Dillema

Coming back from Siddhvan was painful a bit unacceptable for me.The Varanasii loved few days back was haunting me.In few weeksi realized that it was my fear of getting failed in the test.But words of my GURU always lighten up my mind,he clearly stated "you dont have to hold this world nor you have to run away from it,but stay in it ,Understand it,Experience it then you are going to get out of it like a LOTUS  uNEFFECTED un touched".So i keep on meditating on his words.Many times i skip meditations and feel more greedy and lustful i ever had.I was missing my paradise my home my country (RUSSIA).But words of Avdhoot keep on invigorating me to do more aND MORE HOURS OF HARDCORE SADHNA, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN.And the urgency i feel to go to Siddhasrham was simulataeously pricking me inside.As i was given 6 months time to prove my metal to qualify the most powerful SIDHHASHRAM PRAVESH SADHNA by SHIVratri.So for 6 months i have to ralease out my Past karmas.

After few months i met a Sadhu at Kinnaram s samadhi.He was tall handsome broad with a magic in his eyes and words.Narayan das as he introduced himself to me was a hardcore tantra follower with a great command on Russian.I met him,i felt this guy is the living answer to my prayers.i put my problem of fluctuating mind in front of him.He smiled as if he is going to show his "wisdom teeth"to me. i was all eager and ready,the place was right,and was on my mount of curiousity."What is that is bothering u,its ur mind na   its ur desires na..your lust and greed na...they are all part of u and from u,the truth is u r feeling lonely,u need a partner, i suggest you to get married."he said.All my childish curiousity was evaporated by his simple and boring answer i thought may be he is going to give me something really powerful way of reaching faster in the field of sadhna.My face expression telegraphed him my distaste in his much awaited "suggestion".He again continued with his much wider smile"If you get married you will be at peace ,even if you get a nagging wife you will get to experience the dust in this earthly institution.And if you get alovely wife ,a supporting one your earthly relationship will become heavenly".But the greatest thing is to get rid of the troubling desire of getting married "he added."There are two ways ,only two ways to become spirtually potent. One is VEDIC WAY,THE WAY OF LORD shiva, THE FATHER s way to become a stoic,even to pain and pleasure, the way of BRamcharya to SANYAS.another way is the way of ADYA, the energy , the mother,the way of Tantra.EXPERIENCE everything and Experience the SELF."That night was the hardest nght of my life,i brought some books on tantra and vedas and tried to find out the truth of his words.The marriage thing was not profitable for me at that point of time,economically too.But his words did made up some support in the back of my mind.                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                                                     

         Every evening i got a habit of roaming from one ghat to another and to witness the much famous ganga arati. It was a piece of attraction to all the newcomers.It attarcted me too, i felt so connected by it.Every time the priests move thier lamps and lights,something in me get moved.I get a dejavu of all this.One evening i was sitting on a ghat,all alone, unknown,witnessing the whole Varanasi getting bathed in the celebration of KRISHNAJANAMASTHMI{BIRTHDAY OF LORD KRISHNA , THE GOD OF LOVE}.A small girl dressed in a gorgeous wardrobe came near to me,gaveme a red rose and run away .It was so refreshing, i felt funny by her innocence and mischievousness.To my surprise she continued same process several times with diffrent flowers,intially i thought she is killing her loneliness with me by doing this peek a boo stuff,but there was something else.Then someone closed my eyes from behind,this was not a familiar scene for me in india, i turned back,She was tulsi(emma ).For amoment i was in hell of loneliness and another moment in heaven ,life was so strange.I hugged her out of emotion and she was like all giggling ang cheering like a child.i started looking up at my life with a smile again.